Heartbeats are strange things. They start out as the tiniest little blip on an ultrasound screen and yet they are so important.

Twenty seven days ago I laid on my obstetrician’s ultrasound table and heard the nurse confirm what in my heart I already knew to be true. The perfect little baby heartbeat that was so strong only a week ago was now gone. My baby was gone. Nausea, shock, and an overwhelming sadness followed. I got out my cell phone and texted my husband the only thing that my mind could process: “baby gone.”

Walking in to the house and having to smile at my two kids and to pretend that nothing was wrong was hard. As I stumbled into the shower and turned the water on I began to sob. I prayed over and over again “Why God? You know I wanted this baby. This is my second miscarriage in a year. Where are You in this?” My tears were filling up my ears as I lay there.

Somewhere in the midst of my crying I began to utter to Him – first softly and then loudly – “I will praise you in this, O Lord. Though you slay me Lord, I will praise you in this.” And suddenly, I was praising Him. I thought about my husband, my two children, my GOD. I thought about my sweet cousin who has been trying for years to get pregnant and can not. I thought about the multitude of blessings He has showered on me. And somehow I found the strength to praise Him through it.

Last week my kids wanted to watch “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” There is no arguing with them about this – they don’t understand that watching that movie in April is crazy. As we came to the part where the Grinch’s heart grows I immediately thought back to how my heart had felt when I praised him in the midst of my grief. I literally felt like my heart had grown – like it had grown inches in such a short amount of time inside my body. Grown in its ability to minister to others who suffer miscarriages, grown in its ability to love the children the Lord has given me, grown in its ability to love my God in all circumstances.

I don’t know why I lost the baby. I don’t know if it will happen again. I do know that my God is big enough for me if it does happen. I can’t promise that my reaction will be the right one if it does happen but I can promise that His will be. He is big enough for me and for everything that life throws at me. And I can love Him for that.

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